I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
