Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
