will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
