The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
