Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
