I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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