I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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