I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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