I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
