I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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