There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
