Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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