Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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