the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
