Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
