if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
