Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
