you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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