Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
