I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
