im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
