Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
