but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
