I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
