I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
