dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
