I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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