I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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