I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
