Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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