I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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