i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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