the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
