This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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