I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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