Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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