he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So much Jack, so little girl.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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