god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
