How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
