I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
