way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
