SEEEEXXX PLEASE
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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