By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
