and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
