I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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