I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
