my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
two words: eviction party
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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