What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I understand Curling. That high.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
