Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
