WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
