Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
