Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
